COLORS

Colors
-Shrinkhala Khatiwada
MN Talent round, 2018

I was 9 years old,
When I sold my nudity
To a man 10 years older,
for some yellow candies.
As he stripped my pink princess dress off
I was no longer
My red cheeks or my big brown eyes
For him,
I was my pink vagina,
I was my ungrown breasts
I was my pale nipples.
An innocent 9 year old was now,
Just. Another. Naked. Female. Body.

I stood there in spotlight
As he touched his private parts
Making faces that I could not recognize
And yet..
I smiled.
I smiled and I said yes, I said yes and I smiled
I said YES.. cause..
That’s what you are supposed to do, right?
Say yes and smile to any man, who
Sugarcoats words and offers them to you like candies
Who calls you the prettiest little girl in the world.

Seven years later, riding my bike through the mustards fields,
The yellow suddenly blinds me.
As the image of him, his face, his grin as he opened his palms
Offering me my favorite yellow candies
Hits me!
The image of him,
as he pushed my head against the cold walls,
As he unzipped his blue jeans,
As he forced himself inside me.
As he pulled my hair from behind,
As he turned my neck, exposing my bare skin,
As his hot breath passed through the nape of my neck,
As he whispered,
“You are a very good girl. You won’t tell anyone about this, right?”

Ever since, I’ve started hating the colors.
I’ve stopped getting up early to see the sunrise,
The orange reminds me of the sweater I wore,
The first time he touched me.
I’ve cut all the roses,
They remind me of him, as he grabbed my breasts
As he pulled back, wiping my blood off his lips
As he sucked the life out of mine.
I hate the green grasses,
They remind me of his evil green eyes,
his pastel green bedroom walls.
I’m scared of the sunsets,
They remind me of everything that I have lost.
My innocence.
My dignity.
That cold December night when I lost my body.

I’ve repainted my house grey now.
I love my barren, lifeless garden.
I’ve put up thick curtains,
And I always make sure that the drapes are shut.
I hate the mirrors. They’re liars!
They see me as my curvy silhouettes but,
I am just my skin and bones.
I don’t have curves,
I have sharp edges.
They’re liars! Colorful, ugly, liars!

I can’t let a lover in
without feeling a strong punch in my gut,
a big lump in my throat
They always come with colors!
Blue eyes or green,
Red shirt or brown
Roses or lilies.
Why don’t you understand that colors scare me?

But,
Loneliness always comes in black or grey,
I’ve found solace in the darkness
It feels like my home now.

Until one day,
When I was 22,
Reading a book at a coffee shop,
The book read
“We accept the love we think we deserve.”
As the echo of my voice said,
“You deserve better! You deserve better!”
I Deserve Better!

The next morning,
I woke up early to see the sunrise.
As I found enough courage in me to open the drapes,
As the first rays of sun touched my skin
Like sunlight, piercing its way through the dark clouds into a gloomy day,
In the reflection,
I saw a Rainbow!
For the first time in forever,
I accepted myself.
I was all my experiences.
I was all my memories.
I was all the reds and the blues and the greens
I was a Rainbow
And
I was Beautiful!
I. AM. BEAUTIFUL!